Therapist Says Men Aren’t Ready for ‘Modern Relationships,’ Sparks Debate

Are men equipped to handle modern relationships?

This is the bold question Erin Spahr, a licensed therapist, asked in a viral Instagram video. The clip has sparked a conversation about emotional labor, intelligence and modern relationships. In her post, Spahr called out the imbalance in many marriages, particularly the mental and emotional load carried by women, and urged men to “catch up” in developing emotional skills such as empathy and communication.

“Today’s women generally want an equal partner who is present and shares the mental and emotional load of parenting and domestic labor,” Spahr wrote in the caption. “It’s no longer enough to simply be a nice guy who brings home a paycheck.”

The video has been liked by over 30,000 people. Spahr, 40, told Newsweek about her theory and why she thinks it is resonating with so many women.

“While women were taught that we could be in the workforce and raise children, men were not prepared for what that would mean for them,” Spahr said. “Women today are the most educated generation and … are not settling for partnerships where they feel like ‘married single moms.’

Not all viewers of the video agreed with Spahr, though. One user posted: “This is not true at all, because boys are taught how to treat women, but you never see parents teaching their daughter how to treat a man.”

Another person responded: “The woman initiate divorce and it’s men’s fault. Got it.”

Modern Motherhood and Burnout

Spahr said she has more than a decade of experience working with couples and individuals, and has witnessed firsthand the emotional toll placed on modern women—especially mothers.

“Today’s mothers shoulder the majority of domestic labor, mental load and child care responsibilities, in addition to many working outside of the home,” Spahr said. “We were taught that we could have it all … However, many of us have realized that having it all means doing it all, and as a result, we are seeing high levels of maternal burnout, perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.”

Spahr highlighted the gap between what women expect from their male partners to ease this burden, and what they are actually getting.

“While men are often more involved in domestic responsibilities and parenting than their fathers, the bar is still pretty low,” she said. “They aren’t matching the investment in their partnerships and parenting skills the way that women are—and we’re seeing the impact of this disconnect.”

Spahr added she believes that society has not adequately prepared men for the emotional work required in modern partnerships. While women often invest in self-development and parenting knowledge, she said many men avoid such growth opportunities.

“We need more engagement and buy-in from men that we can all benefit as a society by helping prepare boys to be more in touch with their emotions, to build skills like empathy and self-awareness, and to deconstruct their beliefs about gender roles,” Spahr said.

A Misunderstanding of Emotionality

Newsweek spoke to licensed psychotherapist Renee Zavislak for a second opinion. She echoed Spahr’s observations. In her practice, Zavislak said she has noticed an alarming trend: married women in their 40s are often emotionally and romantically “finished” with their partners, even if they don’t want to break up their families.

“Over and over, I hear from women that they are tapped out from the emotional labor or of raising children, many with full-time jobs out of the house as well, and they are disappointed to find that their husbands are not only not sharing this emotional load but also are adding to it,” she added.

When this criticism comes up in relationships, Zavislak said a common reaction from men is to be defensive. Isn’t showing up emotionally what women have always wanted from them?

“But the women say that men have missed the point—that the call was for them to show up with emotional literacy and maturity, and that instead their husbands show up focused on their own emotions only, pulling for support rather than adding their own support to the family load,” she said.

According to Zavislak and Spahr alike, men are mostly still missing the mark in modern relationships.

Spahr said she hopes her video is a “wake-up call” for people to examine issues of gender equity and emotional compatibility in their relationships.

Both experts said that the solution lies in more men listening to women’s concerns, investing in their emotional growth and stepping up in their relationships. As more women are choosing not to settle for emotionally unequal partnerships, the pressure seems to be on men to adapt—or risk losing their relationships later on.