Moms on FOMO in Pregnancy

Humans are social animals and also creatures of habit. So when pregnancy requires us to change our lives, it can be difficult. You might be happy and excited about having a baby, but it’s also common to feel frustrated, sad or left out when friends are enjoying wine at the bar—and you’re having to stick to soft drinks.

Pregnancy can bring a whole host of physical, social and psychological changes that affect our everyday lives. It can be exciting to move into the next chapter of your life, but it’s also common to miss your previous life too.

Luana Ribeira, a mom-of-three from Wales, U.K., says her whole life changed the first time she got pregnant. “I was a party girl and so my lifestyle had to change in an instant,” she tells Newsweek. “I was ecstatic about the pregnancy but had real FOMO (fear of missing out) when my group of friends would still go clubbing and to bars without me. When I tried to go out sober, I’d be told I ‘wasn’t the same sober’ which led to identity issues.”

However, by her third pregnancy, Ribeira was able to push FOMO to the side easily by reminding herself of the choices she had made and what she had gained, instead of what she had lost.

Identity loss is a common concern among pregnant women and new parents. In fact, nearly two-thirds of British mothers feel they’ve lost part of their identity since becoming a parent, according to a survey of more than 2,000 women. Some 62 percent of mothers questioned said they felt they had lost part of their identity and 40 percent said they felt less confidence since becoming a mother. The problem can be exacerbated by social media, as 63 percent said they often compared themselves to other moms online.

For Molly Hunt, from London, a huge part of her pre-baby life revolved around socializing. So when she became pregnant, she worried about “losing” her life when the baby arrived. However, her fears were unfounded.

“I thought I wouldn’t get to do anything I enjoyed anymore. Everyone was very keen to tell me how much my life would change—and of course it has,” she tells Newsweek. “But so far, I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how much I’ve been able to keep doing the things I love doing—seeing my friends, and going to the pub.

“My baby is only three months old and I’m well aware it will get harder as he gets older, but for now he’s very portable and easy to take with me pretty much wherever I want to go,” she adds. “Of course there are things I can’t do.

“I’m breastfeeding so I can’t really leave him at the moment, which is difficult. I’ve always suffered from FOMO so that is hard, but all my friends have been brilliant at including me and organizing meet-ups that I can still be involved in.”

Change is always difficult, but it can be extra hard when you’re pregnant—especially if you’re a first-time mom. So how can you manage these challenging feelings of FOMO?

One of the issues is that we often talk about the joy and excitement of pregnancy, while avoiding negative feelings, says Georgina Sturmer, a counselor and member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

“This might sound counterintuitive if we are pregnant with a much-wanted baby, but pregnancy can alter our identity,” she says. “As pregnancy alters our sense of who we are, it can also make us pine for our pre-pregnancy, carefree self. The one who stayed out late, who ate and drank what they wanted. The one who booked holidays and weekends away, without worrying about who might babysit for a newborn baby. All of this can contribute to a sense of FOMO in pregnancy.”

However, there are steps you can take to manage FOMO in pregnancy. Firstly, it’s important to communicate how you’re feeling. “In pregnancy it often feels as if the world only wants to hear about the positives, but it’s important to make sure our loved ones know how we are feeling,” says Sturmer.

“If pregnancy means that you’re missing out on social events, see if you can suggest some alternative options to your friends. If you’re worried about your career prospects, be proactive about discussing this with work.”

It can also help to take note of any triggers so you can avoid them. “Maybe it’s a specific WhatsApp group or social media feed or a colleague at work. Think about how you can protect yourself from their impact,” says Sturmer.

“Finally, connect with other pregnant women. Find a support network of people who might be going through the same FOMO as we are. And who can continue to support us once we step into motherhood too.”

If you have a parenting dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured in Newsweek.