Man Backed for Not Wanting To Vacation With Friends Who ‘Micromanage’ Bills

A Reddit post detailing a man’s frustration with his friends’ expense-splitting practices during vacations has sparked debate on the online forum.

The 30-year-old man, who did not give a name but said he lives in the Netherlands—the origin of the phrase “going Dutch,” meaning sharing the bill—posted his dilemma on Reddit under the username SuggestionMedical736.

The post received a storm of support from other Redditors, and has garnered 5,900 upvotes and 1,700 comments since it was shared on November 13.

The post was titled “AITAH [am I the a******] if I don’t want to go on vacation with my friends because they try to micromanage the expenses?”

The poster explained that he has gone vacation with a close-knit group of five friends for the past two years, traveling to Mexico and Egypt. While the trips themselves were enjoyable, he said their habit of meticulously dividing expenses “messes with my mood.”

“I enjoy our trips,” he wrote, “but getting a pay request of three euros [about $3] because I had a couple of glasses of rum someone else bought at the supermarket at our hotel just messes with my mood. It’s four versus one.”

Asked whether he would speak to his friends about how he feels, the poster, who did not share his name, told Newsweek: “I don’t think I’ll speak to them about it. We are Dutch and splitting cost is part of the culture.”

The Redditor recounted how his friends would spend significant time calculating the cost of every shared meal, often leaving service staff awkwardly waiting for payments “while they argue about who had what,” he said, adding: “It’s embarrassing.”

The poster also noted that everyone in the group was financially secure, with annual salaries ranging from around $84,000 to $105,000.

Despite their financial standing, his friends insist on splitting costs to the last penny, he said, arguing it was fair for nondrinkers and light eaters to avoid subsidizing others’ higher spending.

The issue has led the man to reconsider joining this year’s vacation plans, which might be the last group trip before some members start families, he said.

The Experts’ Opinions

Jo Hayes, an etiquette consultant and founder of EtiquetteExpert.org, told Newsweek that financial disagreements often arise in group settings. “I advise people to follow their conscience regarding bill splitting while applying general reasonableness,” she said.

However, in the case of the recent Reddit post, Hayes said “the situation does sound like they’re splitting hairs, which could be rather tiresome over the course of a vacation.”

The Redditor’s dilemma highlights a broader issue in friendships—the impact of financial conflicts.

A May 2024 survey by Bread Financial, a financial services company, found that 21 percent of respondents had lost a friendship over money, while 26 percent reported feeling financially incompatible with their friends.

Nick Leighton, co-host of the podcast Were You Raised by Wolves?, emphasized the importance of compatibility in travel companions. “It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to spend your precious vacation time with people who have dramatically different travel styles and budgets,” Leighton told Newsweek.

He added: “If it’s really important to the group for all bills to be split accurately to the penny, it would be best for one person to simply take charge of the accounting for the entire trip. This person would then be responsible for snapping photos of all the receipts, keeping track using an app or spreadsheet, and then settling up with everyone at the end.”

Kate Dorman, a certified financial therapist and certified financial social worker, highlighted another perspective, noting that income did not always reflect someone’s financial comfort. “While your friends may be earning a lot of money, unbeknownst to you, they could be living paycheck to paycheck,” Dorman told Newsweek. “Managing every penny could be their attempt to stay within budget.”

Dorman suggested that before declining the trip, the poster could propose alternatives to manage expenses more smoothly. “Share your feelings and concerns and be prepared to suggest alternatives outside of splitting the bill evenly,” she said, noting that apps like Splitwise can track costs throughout the vacation, allowing the group to settle balances later.

Hayes acknowledged that if the poster valued the group’s company, tolerating their micromanaging could be worth the quality time spent together. However, communication in “a kind, calm, but clear way” about boundaries was crucial, she said. “Explain that their micromanaging of finances is annoying for you and detracts from your enjoyment of the vacation,” she advised.

‘I Hate When People Do This’

The original poster told Newsweek: “I was born in the Middle East, so I also have that part of me where we fight others to pay for the check. So I always try to find balance. I do think I will be going [on the trip], try those apps [finance apps suggested by other Redditors in the post] and will see what I do next after that.”

Other Reddit users were sympathetic toward the original poster.

Evening_Tax1010 said “NTA [not the a******] Your friends sound exhausting. I could not deal with the micromanaging at every meal, ESPECIALLY if you’re willing to chip in more to avoid it.”

PhysicalAd6081 agreed, saying “It is exhausting. Been to my fair share of trips like this. Arguing over how much to tip service staff when the individual impact is a couple bucks. It’s petty and ruins the vibes.”

BarracudaUpstairs also said “NTA – I wouldn’t go. I hate when people do this…it’s embarrassing when the check comes. On trips you should be able to enjoy and spend what you want.”

User sraydenk said “I think it depends. If I’m always spending $10-15c but I’m paying $25-30 because someone else always gets a more expensive entrée and drinks that’s annoying too. Just because I have the money doesn’t mean I want to spend it on someone else’s meal.”

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