Mom Axes Husband’s Birthday Plans After ‘Thoughtless’ Act, but Who’s Right?

The disagreement echoed frustrations from the previous year, when her birthday cake was a flavor she dislikes and her name was misspelled, something her husband reportedly laughed off. Feeling unseen, the OP said she debated canceling the elaborate birthday plans she had already booked for him—an indoor golf outing followed by dinner—and questioned whether doing so would make her “the a******.”

Relationship experts say the conflict is about more than presents. Matt Hussey, a therapist and journalist specializing in psychology, explained that while scaling back effort can sometimes be a healthy boundary, doing so to provoke guilt risks becoming passive retaliation.

“This isn’t a story about bad gifts. It’s a story about relational invisibility after motherhood—which is a lot more common than most of us think. ‘Matching energy’ may protect someone temporarily, but it rarely restores intimacy. What restores intimacy is naming the loss beneath the anger—before silence becomes the loudest language in the relationship,” he told Newsweek.

Couples therapist Reuven Rosen of Columbia, Maryland, echoed that sentiment, explaining that birthdays often represent “I matter” in a relationship.

“When that message lands as ‘I don’t really matter,’ it can be especially painful, particularly after having a baby, when many people already feel less seen or emotionally stretched thin. In those moments, it often doesn’t feel safe to respond vulnerably by saying, ‘I feel unimportant.’ Instead, people fall into familiar patterns like withdrawing, shutting down, or matching their partner’s energy as a way to protect themselves,” she told Newsweek.

Rosen stressed that this usually reflects a breakdown in emotional understanding, not incompatibility, and that repair is possible when couples address the meaning behind the hurt rather than the surface behavior.

Redditors largely supported the OP’s decision.

“Cancel his bday reservations and take yourself to the spa with that money. Bonus points if you do it while his family is there for dinner,” one user wrote.

“If he doesn’t get the message with his birthday treatment then you need to get some counseling… he obviously is not reading the room,” another added.

Others shared similar experiences, with one commenter noting that receiving a can opener for Christmas contributed to a divorce, and another recalling being gifted a trash can and car parts during their final holiday together.

In an update, the OP revealed she had canceled the reservations. Instead, she planned a day centered on herself: a 90-minute massage, uninterrupted reading time, a movie with her older child, and a quiet evening at home with her newborn. For her husband, she said she would give him a card reading “Happy Birthday, I painted the house for you,” along with a bulk pack of diaper wipes.

She pushed back strongly against commenters calling for divorce, emphasizing that her husband is an attentive and loving father who supported her through a high-risk pregnancy and recovery. While acknowledging the “thoughtless gift and non-birthday birthday plans,” she framed her decision as temporarily “matching his energy,” not ending the marriage.

Newsweek reached out to u/P*****doffEquestrian for comment via Reddit. We could not verify the details of the case.

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