Most Women Can Spot ‘Toxic Masculinity’ After This Many Dates

Roughly 79 percent of women said they could spot “toxic masculinity” as early as the third date in a new study, which also found that nearly 7 in 10 said there was a growing emotional divide between men and women.

Why It Matters

Toxic masculinity generally refers to harmful beliefs and behaviors related to masculine ideals taken to the extreme. The phrase can include a wide array of behavior, from actions to dominate and harm women to homophobia, pushing down emotions and being overly aggressive and competitive with other men.

As increasing numbers of Americans stay single and women have become financially independent from men today, any hint of toxic masculinity on an early date could be a dealbreaker. Its overall impact on dating culture could also lead to long-term tension between the sexes.

What To Know

Toxic masculinity is seen as a deal-breaker for many women, according to Match’s Singles in America study of 75,000 singles.

Among all singles, the traits most closely associated with healthy masculinity were kindness and empathy (34 percent), and nearly 8 in 10 women said they could spot toxic masculinity by the third date. Nearly 70 percent of women said the emotional divide is growing between the genders.

The lived experiences of men and women in dating can have stark contrasts. A third of single men said women assume they’re only interested in sex, and one in four feel unfairly labeled commitment-phobic.

“It’s understandable that women are turned off by toxic masculinity right now. The feminist movement is being eroded by a historic backlash against the #MeToo movement. We are in scary times for sure,” Dr. Wendy Walsh, a relationship expert from DatingAdvice, told Newsweek.

“However, can we please slow the roll on the toxic masculinity finger pointing? Ladies, please! Every male behavior isn’t toxic. It may just be, well, it may just be a masculine trait. Now, I’m not saying that toxic masculinity doesn’t exist, nor that it doesn’t hurt women. It’s there and it does. But is it overdiagnosed? For sure.”

On the other hand, many women felt misjudged as only looking for a provider over a partner, and often felt men believed they were looking for hookups over a meaningful connection.

Despite the growing gap between men and women, singles are more likely to believe in love now than they were in 2014. The belief in love at first sight nearly doubled from 34 percent to 60 percent in that time frame, and 73 percent of all singles still believe in forever love.

Roughly seven in 10 even said they believe in destiny when it comes to relationships.

“​Today’s singles are rejecting the one-size-fits-all approach to dating,” Garcia said. “The human desire for love has ​not changed, but the ways ​in which single adults pursue and prioritize it are radically evolving.”

The study also found that nearly half of singles in their 40s were having sex at least once a month, and 93 percent said sexual compatibility and chemistry are key factors in romantic relationships.

“By their 40s, many singles have outgrown the pressure to perform or conform,” said Dr. Amanda Gesselman, director of Sex and Relationship Science at Match, in a statement. “They know what they like, and they’re unapologetic about it. For them, sex isn’t about experimentation, it’s about refinement.”

Still, 47 percent of all singles reported feeling burned out by dating, and 54 percent feel drained by the modern dating scene.

What People Are Saying

Dr. Wendy Walsh, a relationship expert from DatingAdvice, told Newsweek: “It is important that women notice when a man feels threatened by a woman’s power and attempts to compensate through bragging, intimidation, and that age-old psychological trick that many men use—putting down a woman to undermine her self-esteem.”

Dr. Justin Garcia, chief scientific adviser to Match and executive director of the Kinsey Institute, said in a statement: “There’s a disconnect between the way many people define masculinity, and how men and people who date men want them to show up in relationships. Kindness and empathy are universally desired traits when it comes to finding a romantic partner, and this year they rose even higher up the rankings. Emotional depth, among both men and women, is incredibly valuable as singles search for someone they can reliably weather the storms of life with.”

What Happens Next

For some women, toxic masculinity might be confused with a desire for traditional gender roles, Walsh said.

“Gender roles are learned within families, and there are still plenty of men who need a little nudge and education in this area to make things feel fair at home. But I think it’s an overreach to call a man like this ‘toxic’ when he’s just been conditioned by his family of origin,” Walsh said.

However, Walsh said far more men than women are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, with up to 7 percent of men potentially having the disorder.

Since narcissists tend to be the “poster boys” for toxic masculinity, it makes sense why women are on guard, Walsh said. However, there are still differences between genders that may need to be understood before establishing a healthy relationship, she added.

“Just like in politics, I think men and women need move closer to the middle. It’s unrealistic to hope your boyfriend will think and feel just like a girlfriend,” Walsh said.

“You can marry a girlfriend if you like. We all need to understand that there are documented sex brain differences. Understanding, male psychology would help many women in their dating lives just as it is incumbent on men to learn how women think, feel and behave. The best relationships happen when partners have curiosity and empathy for each other.”